Our Story is Your Story: Vivian & Axcelle

We end this series with BIPOC Swim Program Adventure Leaders, Axcelle and Vivian, who talk about their ever-evolving relationships with the water, and their hopes for all of us.

My first question is about your relationship to the outdoors – what was the catalyst for it?

Vivian: My first connection to the outdoors is actually with water, because I grew up a block and a half off of the shores of Lake Michigan in the city of Chicago. And so, especially open water, has always been a place of sanctuary and joy. I learned how to swim in open water. And so it’s just a very comfortable element for me. But, besides that, I wouldn’t say I had a relationship with the outdoors. In a dense urban environment, it can be really hard to find what the outdoors means. Although urban environments are nature, as well. 

And so that horizon expanded for me after moving to Portland in 2008, because of the access we have here. I’d never been camping until I moved here as an adult. So since then, I’ve met people and been given opportunities to explore more. So now I do consider being outdoors in a sporting and adventure aspect as part of my life. It’s fully integrated.

Can you talk about the beginnings of your relationship to the water?

Vivian: Actually, this might sound like a scary story, but a distinct memory for me was going under. And that feeling of fear. Doubting my ability and doubting the safety of being in water, and just looking up with the sun dappling in, and seeing my father, laughing, reach in the water and pulling me out. And, you know, I went through the full range of emotions. From betrayal, how could you let me go under. To incredulous, how could you be laughing in this situation. But now also acknowledging that I was going to be okay. So I’m really fortunate for my first experiences with water to be with people that I knew and trusted. Who would ensure that I was safe. And that’s something that I think, at an elemental level, that I try to hold as my biggest priority for folks. Because water has been weaponized against many communities of color, especially Black people in this county. Many people have had their relationships to water severed. Groups who come from places where we’ve had, ancestrally, a much stronger relationship to water. My mother is from an island country and doesn’t know how to swim. And a big hope of hers was that I would have the skill that she never had. And I think she’s come to peace with what her relationship to water is like. But I’m so fortunate that both of my parents really invested in giving me swim lessons. Also, during the summers, there’s really only two options: you went to the library, or you went to the YMCA. Like those were the two free to low cost options that you can be at for the day. So I did spend a lot of time in swim instruction, and learning how to swim.

I think a lot of folks, when they think about nature, or the environment, think about the bunnies, or the trees, or the mountains. Some place that’s like very far away. And therefore like untouched by human intervention. And that’s just not the case. I mean, there’s nature everywhere. Our urban environments are an environment. And if we care about the quality and preservation of the water and the woods, then we should also care about the quality of the housing and the drinking water and the air that we breathe in urban environments, as well. That’s why I do urban environmental justice work. And I have a great appreciation of more remote environments. And I can recognize that they’re different. But nothing in this world is free of human intervention. There are consequences because of our presence.

Axcelle: So my first memory of water was being a 3-year-old child in a little kiddie pool, with my mom and some friends, and then suddenly ending up underwater, and not understanding what was going on. And thinking I was going to die before being pulled out by an adult. Very few of my family members are swimmers. I think my aunt became a very avid swimmer. She grew up in Greece and so her family was right next to the water. But most of my family members don’t know how to swim. So I grew up very cautious around the water. And then, around 9 or 10, I began having dreams of swimming under water. And I was so happy. And then I got the opportunity to go to an overnight camp with 4H. And there was lots of water around and people doing things in the water, and I felt very afraid. And I got fed up. And I remember being in a lake with a life jacket on. And I jumped out of the lake, and was like, I’m done not knowing how to swim and being afraid of the water. And I jumped into a pool and started swimming.

Vivian: Yeah, Axcelle taught themselves how to swim, which is amazing.

Axcelle: I’ll give some credit to a lifeguard who told me I should probably cup my hands. But that was about all the instruction I got. So from there, once that became a thing, the world of water began to open up. And I noticed that my friend was on a swim team. And I didn’t even know that existed like, What is a swim team? And so I had a goal of joining a swim team. And after jumping over some hurdles, eventually got to do that. My relationship with open water emerged after I joined a swim team and felt more confident in my capability in the water. It wasn’t a thing I had entertained before that. And I learned that not everyone who is a really good swimmer loves to swim in open water. Some people have phobias. But I found that I really did.

And I think that’s how I think about the swim program, too. There’s a relational component. And there’s a spiritual component. But I also think in order for people to feel comfortable, they need to know that they can take care of themselves in that environment. I think that’s what opened up the world of water for me, and it’s just grown into different water sports and expanded.

One more random thing about water that I enjoyed as a young person was that, when it rained, I lived at the bottom of a hill. So I really loved to watch the water flow from high points to low points. And I would dig out channels so that I could see how it behaved later when it rained. I would just sit and listen to the water and the rain. That, to me, is more about my spiritual connection to water. Which I think I had even before I was able to get into bodies of water.

Can you talk about your experience spending time outdoors in solitude or in community?

Vivian: You know, I would say that about solitude, water is the place where while you may be with people, if you are actively swimming, when you put your head down in the water, suddenly your senses completely change. You don’t quite have a sense of smell or taste. The sound is totally different. So that’s sort of like an in between space. I think it’s quite interesting and dynamic. I found so much community in spending time in the outdoors, and through folks being so excited to introduce me to a thing. I have a friend who I’m finally going to go surfing with, but there are so many folks who aim to build community by doing something outdoors. That’s partially why being part of Wild Diversity is so special.

We actually did a few workshops that played around with the sensory integration of water. Just to even explore our body awareness in water, again, because of the fear and trepidation. And for folks who are comfortable with water, never really exploring those elemental observations. So being able to do that in different ways is pretty cool.

How did the BIPOC Swim Program come about?

Vivian: It was so interesting. I think when I first saw the online call for folks to become Adventure Leaders for the season, I had never gone to a Wild Diversity event, didn’t know a lot about it. But did know that I admired the organization. So I was looking through some of the things that Wild Diversity was looking for this year, and I saw this line about swim instruction. And I was like, Well that’s cool! I don’t feel like I’m competent enough in any other skills to lead. I can be a participant [laughs]. But swimming is actually something that I recognized I had that competency, that those were skills that I had. And I would love to share them. I also figured there wouldn’t be a lot of people signing up for that.

And then Mercy and Charelle reached out, and we had an initial conversation about it. And so when they invited me to be part of the BIPOC Swim Program Adventure Leader training, there were four of us. I also want to shout out that Wild Diversity helped me get my Red Cross Lifeguard certification and First Aid certification, which I really value. Because that’s a skill that I’m definitely going to be bringing with me to all the spaces that I am in. And is just a huge investment in my personal leadership and skillset. So very, very grateful for that. 

Then we came together and received training through the Oshun Swim School, and Chandrika, the founder. And that weekend was really transformative. Because it took my perception of how we would be designing this swim program and completely flipped it on its head. I thought we’d do swim drills and get people more comfortable in recognizing things like how to approach and be in open water. And that training really oriented me toward a completely different perspective. What is my relationship with water? What is our relationship with water? And how can we use that as a place of exploration and healing and fun and joy? And so I ended up developing a workshop that I don’t think I would have come to without that training; which was Mapping the Waterways. It was a way of seeing myself as a mixed race, first generation person here, who is currently separated from my family by thousands of miles and these vast oceans. How do I heal that relationship with water? How do I explore what that feels like, and the way it manifests in my body? And I was so grateful to get to share that with other people. I also was able to come out to other workshops and have fun. Like Beats & Water – drawing on traditions of water drumming from African water drumming and Latin American water drumming – we were able to explore how water has such a unique sound. There are many histories of different people exploring scents, sounds, fun, joy, healing with water. And I think we were able to facilitate a bit of that for the first time with Wild Diversity.

What was it like to share the intimate relationship with water with each other, as Adventure Leaders, and then with groups of people who you didn’t really know?

Vivian: I keep going back to the Oshun Swim School training that we had together. I think it built our relationship amongst four people. And we all have different backgrounds, different relationships with water, different things that we were drawn to in the workshops that we wanted to develop. And that was also really valuable. Building this cohort of leaders who come from different ways of interacting with the water. Some of us have more experience with boat crafts – outriggers and kayaks. Some of us are really avid swimmers.

Axcelle: And then some of us also really wanted to play with sensation and mindfulness next to the water, in the water. And I think also, some of us coming from different identities and places – like some of us are separated by water from family, some of us have lived on and played in the ocean, I grew up on the Atlantic Ocean – I think that also led to talking about identity and water relationships.

Vivian: And cultural backgrounds. And having really different identities and relationships to water. That’s a big part of it.

Can you speak to any significant moments with participants, getting to witness other people with the water, and knowing that you facilitated that?

Vivian: So the very last workshop that was part of the swim program was one that I was leading, Mapping the Waterways. And that day was windy, it was overcast, spots of sun. But no one wanted to get in the water that day. It was just a cool, August day that we get here sometimes. So the workshop also was designed in a way in which water interaction is very optional. For that workshop, we took some of the water into small containers and did water coloring; just trying to incorporate those water elements. And one of the participants is a parent and brought their small child. So after the workshop as we were cleaning up, I just observed  that they were just quietly standing about calf deep in the water, and just having a long, quiet moment of reflection. I presume processing what we had just done in the workshop. And it was just a really beautiful, calm sight, to see them interacting with the water in a way that they were choosing to do after the workshop. It was just really sweet.

Axcelle: I’m thinking of one participant who came to one of our open swims, because they were going to be running a triathlon and wanted to feel more comfortable in the water. And this is not as profound as the child. But they certainly said at the end of it, like, Yeah, I got what I needed. 

Vivian: [looking to the water] Do you see how quickly this water can change! One of the things I learned was that the indigenous name for this water is Nch'i-wána. And it definitely has its own personality. And is a very powerful body of water. So I think even as Adventure Leaders, you can look at the tides, you can look at the wind, you can look at the temperature online, but until you’re here and looking at the water, that’s when you find out what conditions you’re working with that day, in the workshop. It’s always different.

When you think about the communities that you’re a part of, what are your big dreams for how those relationships with water might shift?

Axcelle: I guess my vision is that there’s more community around water, for BIPOC folks. And remembering that we as people have had a relationship with water for time immemorial. And have been swimmers, we’ve sailed, we’ve been in close relationship with water. So returning to that relationship. And just helping people feel empowered to be in the water in all kinds of ways. And feeling powerful in doing that. I think there are water people who don’t yet have a relationship with it. They don’t know they’re water people. And the water is something that continues to ground me every day, every week of my life. It is constantly keeping me grounded and on a path that I want to be on. So I want that for other people. And if they’re water people I want them to discover and have that relationship and for the water strength to become their strength. I think it changes everything. Even your embodiment. It shifts the way you move around in the world.

Vivian: I totally agree with everything Axcelle said. I also have that hope. I’m also struck that a lot of the drownings and fatalities disproportionately happen in our communities because of the lack of skill and lack of awareness in the community to recognize how to interact and play in our wild, beautiful waters here in the Pacific Northwest. And my hope is the day that we were out here doing a workshop. And Mercy happened to be passing out some life vests. And I heard so many people saying that they didn’t know how to swim. Didn’t know how to interact with the water safely. So I hope that we can build more community, more safety, and more awareness, and help support folks interacting with and enjoying the water.